Hello Gerry. After reading your first puppy post, which I thought was great, by the way, I decided to ask you for some advice. There's been a thought in my head for some time now that won't go away. It's burrowing deeper and deeper into my mind, and I'm now wondering: is this normal?
About my background:
I used to have problems with depression and was in treatment for some time because of it. It helped me a little to learn how to deal with my inner demons on my own without falling too deep. During my therapy, I met my partner, who has been by my side and cheering me up ever since the therapy ended. Nevertheless, there are always ups and downs, of course. Not least because of my social anxiety, or social phobia. I find it extremely difficult to talk to strangers, which is why I generally have few friends. For example, during breaks at my vocational school, I sit completely alone on a bench because I don't know how to connect with the others.
In general, I can't stand being around people for long without getting annoyed or exhausted. To date, there are only three people I can spend more than 24 hours with without going crazy. I think I could even put up with two of them for the rest of my life. I also find it difficult to maintain regular contact with people because I think I'm just annoying them anyway. As a result, I lose touch with many people whom I actually like very much, and contact slowly but surely disappears. Nevertheless, it should be mentioned that until about 1 1/2 years ago, I couldn't even buy a movie ticket without feeling sick, becoming completely nervous, and being close to a panic attack. But that has improved in the meantime. Now I can handle it (more or less). Lately, though, I personally feel like I'm not making any progress. In terms of my personality, I mean. It's as if I'm stuck. And the worst thing is that I have to give a lot of presentations at my vocational school, which is an absolute nightmare for me.
(I've just written down my thoughts and hope that it's not too confusing.)
So I wanted to ask you: Is this (relatively) normal? And do you perhaps have any tips on how I can deal with it better?
Thank you for reading. It's really nice to get these thoughts off my chest.
Best regards, Anonymous
Hey Anonymous,
First of all, thank you very much for your encouraging words about this project. I am delighted that the first “letter” has encouraged others to also dare to talk about their worries and problems. But let's get straight to your concern without further ado. I have a general question: If the therapy helped you, at least a little, why don't you do it anymore? From what I read in your text, it seems that you are definitely lacking support. That you assume you annoy other people is something I know very well. That can absolutely lead to becoming very withdrawn into yourself. Or even to losing motivation for everything. Because of this, I adopted a really bad habit.“If I’m getting on your nerves, please tell me!”
That sentence has been with me for a very long time. Whenever I get the impression that someone doesn’t want to talk to me, this sentence just spills out—often without me even thinking about it. And I’ve received a lot of criticism for it.This is where you need to start discarding that thought yourself. Believe that people will tell you directly if you are getting on their nerves. Only rarely do they keep that to themselves. Assuming it from the outset can very well prevent wonderful encounters, and you end up missing out on a lot. Now to the core of your question: Yes, it is normal that you have the impression that nothing is moving forward. But that is primarily because you don’t seem to trust yourself with anything. Especially not in connection with other people. And that holds you back immensely.
You wrote that you have to give many presentations at your vocational school. There are a few tips for that. You need your notes, a mirror, and some kind of device with which you can record your surroundings. Before a presentation—ideally two evenings beforehand—you stand in front of a mirror, switch on the recording device, and run through your presentation as calmly as possible. Pay close attention to your emphasis and the content you are delivering. It is important that you do not lose eye contact with yourself in the process.
When you are finished, listen to the recording. Check it for fluctuations in your voice, accuracy of content, and confidence in your acoustic presence. Do this until you are satisfied with the result. You will notice that by the end of the day, specifically with regard to this presentation, you will feel more confident. And during the presentation itself, pick several points in the classroom between which you calmly shift your gaze. This gives the impression that you are engaging with your classmates. Staring at a wall helps too, but it does nothing to counter your anxiety. I would advise you to resume therapy in any case. It doesn’t have to be weekly, but once a month certainly wouldn’t hurt you. And if you make progress there, other things will start to feel easier again as well. What matters is that you don’t fall into a hole of demotivation and inactivity. And if you do, allow people who care about you to pull you back out of it.
If you find someone likeable—especially at vocational school—approach them. You don’t have to marry them, but it can help to have someone on your side. Self-abandonment helps no one. In general, look for activities that you enjoy. Go out, get to know the world. Build new connections, and there will always be someone there for you who will walk with you through shitty times as well. Long story short:
You can do anything if you allow yourself to. Talk to people, do self-exercises with a recorder and a mirror, chest out, stomach in, head up. Because if the snout is up … no, that doesn’t work. But you know what I mean. Don’t give up, and work a little on yourself every day. And give people the chance to prove to you that you are not annoying. Best regards
Gerry
Note: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.
1 shine on „Take my Help #2: Anonym aus Unbekannt – Social anxiety“
Vielen dank für die Schnelle Antwort, lieber Gerry
Ich hab mir jetzt ein paar Tage zeit genommen und mir Gedanken über deine Worte gemacht.
Ich hatte heute eine Präsentation und habe mich tatsächlich am Tag vorher vor einen Spiegel gestellt und das ganze aufgesagt. Anfangs kam ich mir komplett bescheuert dabei vor, aber nach einiger Zeit war ich richtig “im Flow” und es ging echt gut und dazu hab ich auch noch das gelernt, was ich sagen musste. Es viel mir tatsächlich leichter vor den Leuten zu sprechen, auch wenn es sicherlich noch nicht perfekt war und meine Erkältung stark dazu beigetragen hat, dass ich zwischendrin einen kurzen black out hatte (Meine Stimme hat mitten im Satz abgebrochen), was mir wieder ein bisschen Unsicherheit gegeben hat, doch kurz räuspern, tief durchatmen und schon ging es wieder. Es ist natürlich learning by doing und es wird noch einige Zeit brauchen um wirklich sicher zu sein, aber es ist definitiv ein Schritt in die richtige Richtung, habe ich zumindest so im Gefühl.
Wieder eine Therapie anzufangen ist realtiv schwer, die Psychologen sind bei mir in der Gegend alle voll mit Terminen, der frühest mögliche wäre erst im Februar, ich habe erstmal zugesagt, allerdings kann es sein, dass er sich noch weiter nach hinten verschiebt. Ich hoffe zumindest das alles klappt 🙂
Danke nochmal für deine hilfreiche Antwort ☺️
Liebe Grüße Hati