Avaritia #1 – More Games, More Entertainment … MORE!

The gap that formed

Some people who knew my blog before the restructuring know that in my youth I had to hold back more than I would have liked. Even after I started working, I still had to be very careful here and there—due to several unpleasant circumstances and a rough start into adult life. This is not about blame or causes, but about where all of this ultimately led.
Because once you start earning money, the urge grows to fill that gap that formed during childhood or adolescence. With everything that comes with it.

Consumption without substance

I have spent so much money in my life on games. On stuff. Merch. An absurd amount. My Steam account, League of Legends, and so on are worth high four-digit sums. Not because of achievements or rare skins you can get, for example, in ranked games. No. Because of the money I poured into them.
The worst part is: I’m angry about it. Because—to stick with the League of Legends example—I don’t even play it anymore. For various reasons. But in the end, that money is now sitting in a cloud and will never come back.

The impulse to buy

In the last, let’s say, two years, I’ve learned a lot about this urge to buy. There was a mobile game that really got me into trouble. I made a lot of impulse purchases there. And it became clear to me how so much money could be burned—and that this greed for satisfaction through consumption didn’t just stop.
I dealt with it intensely. Fundamentally, I asked myself for a long time why this urge was so extreme and why it never stayed at just one purchase. Why it’s never enough. And in the end—speaking specifically for my case—it’s also an effect of my CPTSD and depression. Earlier I used the word “satisfaction.” And yes. That’s the crux of it.

Quiet in the head

Because of my neurodivergence, I’m almost always dissatisfied. No matter what I have, get, or whatever. Especially during low phases, this urge to buy is very strong, and it makes me want more, more, and MORE. And the purchase provides a moment of relaxation. It’s a hard-to-control impulse that just strikes when things get too dark.
While I have fairly good impulse control when it comes to anger—maybe even too good—this buying impulse is hard to rein in. In the end, it’s a pattern. It’s not about a purchase. One purchase often doesn’t help. It was often about many purchases in a row. It wasn’t about the game or the purchased content. It’s not about feeling joy. It’s about that familiar but too-rare quieting of the mind.

Shame and repetition

So what to do? Is there a solution? I don’t know. The last time a low phase got me into serious trouble in this regard, it was incredibly uncomfortable for me to talk about it. I felt deeply ashamed and, in some way, still do. Since then, even if I can barely suppress the impulse itself, I at least try to gain a bit of control over how severe the impact of that impulse ultimately is on my life.
I believe that people with depression in general have very strong problems with impulses that create a moment of calm. This calm that comes from an impulsive action can be addictive. But the pain that often follows immediately afterward—made up of anger and shame—can be just as strong and is a poor teacher, because those affected are already somehow … used to that pain.

Why this is here

Why am I telling this? I don’t really know. It’s not fundamentally about a lack of discipline or poor money management. I simply felt the need to write about it. Because I think it’s important that people understand that behind such impulsive actions there is more than just the satisfaction of consumption. It’s the addiction to a calm and relaxation in one’s own brain that never truly lasts.
And that calm … that relaxation … the addiction to exactly that is what can ultimately be self-destructive.

Gerry