{"id":2462,"date":"2019-09-29T13:39:42","date_gmt":"2019-09-29T11:39:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/?p=2462"},"modified":"2026-01-04T18:55:17","modified_gmt":"2026-01-04T17:55:17","slug":"take-my-help-3-r-aus-unbekannt-empathielos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/take-my-help-3-r-aus-unbekannt-empathielos\/","title":{"rendered":"Take my Help #3: R. from unknown \u2013 Lacking empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hi,<\/p>\n

First of all, a big compliment to those who have already written something for your blog. I hope your advice helps those affected.<\/p>\n

My problem might be a bit different. The thing is, I am demonstrably a sociopath and an empathy-less person. My therapist first had to explain to me what those words even mean. Short and simple, both mean this:<\/p>\n

I am neither able to perceive nor understand other people\u2019s feelings, nor can I really show any myself. In addition, other people\u2019s feelings usually don\u2019t interest me in the first place, which often ends with me being very blunt.
And that brings us straight to the problem: I hurt people very quickly. Without even wanting to. Friendships have broken apart very fast because of this as well. Only two people\u2014my closest friends\u2014know what I \u201cam\u201d and know how to deal with me, and that I don\u2019t mean many things seriously.<\/p>\n

Best example: when someone is grieving because they\u2019ve lost a loved one, I make jokes about it with the aim of making the person laugh. And yes, I still do that. I don\u2019t know how else I\u2019m supposed to react. When someone is angry or something like that, it\u2019s almost the same. I would just like to know what I need to do so that I don\u2019t lose even more friends and people who are close to me. I don\u2019t want to use it as an excuse, saying I\u2019m just an empathy-less sociopath.
As my best friend once said: it makes clear thinking in certain situations easier. But what good is that if you end up looking like an asshole?<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

R.
P.S.: Keep it up, Gerry<\/p>\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tR.<\/cite>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/blockquote>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tHi R.,<\/p>\n\nyou can also give yourself credit for that praise. It takes courage from anyone who confides in me and maybe takes something away for themselves. At this point, my thanks to the three of you so far.
But now let\u2019s focus entirely on you.

I also think it\u2019s good that you are already in treatment. I am neither a trained psychologist nor a psychotherapist. And I think that knowing exactly what you are will generally make it easier to understand things.<\/p>\nI have encountered someone like you before. More precisely, a long, long time ago I was in a relationship with someone like that. Unfortunately, back then it wasn\u2019t known what he had, and I was too young to understand it. I could only make sense of the circumstances.
And as simple as it sounds, in my opinion the solution to your question is just as banal as in my first puppy blog: talk.
Why should it be an excuse? You are what you are. And what you are is not a bad joke or an excuse. That is simply who you are. You may not be able to comprehend or empathize with other people\u2019s feelings, but\u2026 let me start with your example of grief:<\/p>\nA close person of a friend has died. It is understandable even to you that they are grieving. You try\u2014sometimes with unqualified comments\u2014to coax a smile out of him or her and, of course, step from one faux pas straight into the next. You may not be aware of this at that moment, and your friend may not be either, but the intention behind these faux pas is actually positive.<\/p>\nThis brings us to two examples. In one, you follow my advice; in the other, you don\u2019t:<\/p>\nExample 1: You did not explain yourself to the person once the friendship reached a deeper level.<\/p>\nNaturally, at this point the person does not feel taken seriously. They say you are an asshole because you are not considerate of their feelings. You then feel strange or even bad because you cannot empathize with their reaction. In the worst case, this repeats itself over and over and ends in a dilemma: one friend less.<\/p>\nExample 2: The person knows about you.<\/p>\nHere, too, the person does not feel taken seriously in their grief. But\u2014and this should urgently be clear to you\u2014that lies in the essence of the situation: a grieving person has no capacity in that moment for jokes, humor, or stupid remarks. And maybe they will also call you an asshole. BUT\u2014and this is where openness comes into play\u2014after some time has passed, the person will reflect and realize that you cannot act differently. They will come to you, maybe lean against you, and say that it\u2019s nice that you exist and that they know you didn\u2019t mean it that way.<\/p>\nAt first, both examples may look identical. But the outcome is different. At this point, you have to ask yourself: do I see my \u201cproblem\u201d as an excuse, or as a part of me and deal with it openly?<\/p>\nI can\u2019t give you the answer to that, of course. Because it lies within you. And what lies within you can only be understood by you yourself. You are what you are. You recognize true friends by the fact that they acknowledge who you are, how you are, and why you are the way you are.<\/p>\nLet\u2019s sum it up: when you begin to trust someone, be open with that person. Tell them what\u2019s going on. And if they say, \u201cSorry, I can\u2019t deal with that,\u201d then at least they were honest with you. Don\u2019t try to be something you\u2019re not. Don\u2019t pretend.
And as a small tip: when someone is grieving, it\u2019s better to say nothing if it feels uncomfortable for you, and simply take that person in your arms. And if a stupid sentence does slip past your lips, then so be it. If the person knows about you, they may be angry for a moment, but they will understand that you cannot act differently.<\/p>\nThat was a lot of writing. I wish you\u2014and of course the readers as well\u2014all the best. Take care of yourselves.<\/p>\nGerry<\/p>\nNote: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.<\/p>\n<\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi, Erstmal ein gro\u00dfes Lob an die, die schon etwas f\u00fcr Deinen Blog geschrieben haben. Ich hoffe, deine Ratschl\u00e4ge helfen […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12539,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[172,171],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ar-tmh","category-mirus"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2462"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13902,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2462\/revisions\/13902"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12539"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}