{"id":13680,"date":"2026-01-16T10:26:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-16T09:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/?p=13680"},"modified":"2026-01-17T15:21:12","modified_gmt":"2026-01-17T14:21:12","slug":"avaritia-1-mehr-spiele-mehr-unterhaltung-mehr","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/avaritia-1-mehr-spiele-mehr-unterhaltung-mehr\/","title":{"rendered":"Avaritia #1 \u2013 More Games, More Entertainment \u2026 MORE!"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The gap that formed<\/h4>\n

Some people who knew my blog before the restructuring know that in my youth I had to hold back more than I would have liked. Even after I started working, I still had to be very careful here and there\u2014due to several unpleasant circumstances and a rough start into adult life. This is not about blame or causes, but about where all of this ultimately led.
Because once you start earning money, the urge grows to fill that gap that formed during childhood or adolescence. With everything that comes with it.<\/p>\n

Consumption without substance<\/h4>\n

I have spent so much money in my life on games. On stuff. Merch. An absurd amount. My Steam account, League of Legends, and so on are worth high four-digit sums. Not because of achievements or rare skins you can get, for example, in ranked games. No. Because of the money I poured into them.
The worst part is: I\u2019m angry about it. Because\u2014to stick with the League of Legends example\u2014I don\u2019t even play it anymore. For various reasons. But in the end, that money is now sitting in a cloud and will never come back.<\/p>\n

The impulse to buy<\/h4>\n

In the last, let\u2019s say, two years, I\u2019ve learned a lot about this urge to buy. There was a mobile game that really got me into trouble. I made a lot of impulse purchases there. And it became clear to me how so much money could be burned\u2014and that this greed for satisfaction through consumption didn\u2019t just stop.
I dealt with it intensely. Fundamentally, I asked myself for a long time why this urge was so extreme and why it never stayed at just one purchase. Why it\u2019s never enough. And in the end\u2014speaking specifically for my case\u2014it\u2019s also an effect of my CPTSD and depression. Earlier I used the word \u201csatisfaction.\u201d And yes. That\u2019s the crux of it.<\/p>\n

Quiet in the head<\/h4>\n

Because of my neurodivergence, I\u2019m almost always dissatisfied. No matter what I have, get, or whatever. Especially during low phases, this urge to buy is very strong, and it makes me want more, more, and MORE. And the purchase provides a moment of relaxation. It\u2019s a hard-to-control impulse that just strikes when things get too dark.
While I have fairly good impulse control when it comes to anger\u2014maybe even too good\u2014this buying impulse is hard to rein in. In the end, it\u2019s a pattern. It\u2019s not about a purchase. One purchase often doesn\u2019t help. It was often about many purchases in a row. It wasn\u2019t about the game or the purchased content. It\u2019s not about feeling joy. It\u2019s about that familiar but too-rare quieting of the mind.<\/p>\n

Shame and repetition<\/h4>\n

So what to do? Is there a solution? I don\u2019t know. The last time a low phase got me into serious trouble in this regard, it was incredibly uncomfortable for me to talk about it. I felt deeply ashamed and, in some way, still do. Since then, even if I can barely suppress the impulse itself, I at least try to gain a bit of control over how severe the impact of that impulse ultimately is on my life.
I believe that people with depression in general have very strong problems with impulses that create a moment of calm. This calm that comes from an impulsive action can be addictive. But the pain that often follows immediately afterward\u2014made up of anger and shame\u2014can be just as strong and is a poor teacher, because those affected are already somehow \u2026 used to that pain.<\/p>\n

Why this is here<\/h4>\n

Why am I telling this? I don\u2019t really know. It\u2019s not fundamentally about a lack of discipline or poor money management. I simply felt the need to write about it. Because I think it\u2019s important that people understand that behind such impulsive actions there is more than just the satisfaction of consumption. It\u2019s the addiction to a calm and relaxation in one\u2019s own brain that never truly lasts.
And that calm \u2026 that relaxation \u2026 the addiction to exactly that is what can ultimately be self-destructive.<\/p>\n

Gerry<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Die entstandene L\u00fccke Einige, die meinen Blog schon vor der Restrukturierung kennen, wissen, dass ich in meiner Jugend doch mehr […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13681,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[159,152],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13680","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-avaritia","category-vices"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13680","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13680"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13680\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14029,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13680\/revisions\/14029"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13681"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13680"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13680"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13680"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}