{"id":13578,"date":"2026-01-22T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-22T09:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/?p=13578"},"modified":"2026-01-18T20:16:48","modified_gmt":"2026-01-18T19:16:48","slug":"spes-1-hoffnung-auf-liebe-und-dann-doch-nicht","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/spes-1-hoffnung-auf-liebe-und-dann-doch-nicht\/","title":{"rendered":"Patientia #1 \u2013 Hope for Love \u2013 And Then Not"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Polyamory and societal assumptions<\/h4>

As a polyamorous person, you are often confronted with things like: \u201cYou just want a harem,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ll never get enough,\u201d and so on. Or with people confusing polyamory and polygamy. By now, I mostly don\u2019t care. It\u2019s society that doesn\u2019t accept polyamory. And who cares? Not me.<\/p>

But nothing felt worse than the following story, which happened last year and gave my circulatory system quite a jolt. As mentioned in the introductory post, Lux posts aren\u2019t always positive, and Obscuritas posts aren\u2019t always negative.<\/p>

The encounter<\/h4>

At a fetish event, I met someone I found extremely attractive. I only really realized this after the party. As usual, that\u2019s how it goes. There were signs that the person was flirting with me. Since I\u2019m not good at flirting, I often recognize this only hours later\u2014or at least question it afterward.<\/p>

This person was different from any man I\u2019d met before. To protect privacy, I won\u2019t go into detail. I\u2019ll leave it at that.<\/p>

Starting contact<\/h4>

The next day, after analyzing everything, I got their contact information and we started writing. Soon, I realized this person could become someone special for me. They were extremely charming, very attractive, and versatile. I wondered: \u201cHow the hell could such a beautiful person like me?\u201d<\/p>

We quickly agreed that we had to meet again. Opportunities were scarce, but we found a place and an \u201cevent\u201d where this was possible.<\/p>

Open communication from the start<\/h4>

I made it clear from the beginning who and what I am. Even if the interest might immediately vanish, I usually lay all \u201cissues\u201d on the table right away. I am polyamorous, neurodivergent (and dealing with its consequences), and so on. Later, it shouldn\u2019t be said that I hid things. I\u2019m not up for that.<\/p>

They said they didn\u2019t know if polyamory would work for them. That was okay\u2014somehow.<\/p>

The emotional rollercoaster<\/h4>

Still, we both got very invested in the contact and could hardly wait to meet. Polyamory came up repeatedly, also to make sure. My head was already working on solutions for other\u2026 \u201cproblems,\u201d prematurely, as always.<\/p>

And then Roswitha, the monster in my head, appeared: \u201cThey\u2019re too good for you,\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t really think THIS will work lol,\u201d and so on. But this time I didn\u2019t let her affect me. Even though, in hindsight, maybe I should have.<\/p>

The meeting<\/h4>

The day arrived. In retrospect, I also acted somewhat recklessly at certain points, but primarily other things went wrong.<\/p>

The greeting was very warm, from both sides. We hugged, and it lasted a while. With other people, I would have already been in escape mode. It lasted this way almost all day.<\/p>

They stayed close to me most of the time. During one part of the event, we even held hands. They were very clingy, resting their face on my neck, occasionally nibbling. And\u2026 it surprised me\u2026 I felt things that hadn\u2019t been present for a long time.<\/p>

I want to note that within a polycule, \u201clove\u201d always feels different for me. What I feel or develop with one person doesn\u2019t automatically apply to others. It\u2019s always different. And that works for me.<\/p>

The caf\u00e9<\/h4>

My head was essentially off during these fairly intimate moments\u2014empty, in a positive sense. That was great. We eventually withdrew to a caf\u00e9 and got to know each other better, sharing desires and so on.<\/p>

There was my first \u201cfaux pas,\u201d when I mentioned that I might eventually want to live with my partners. In hindsight, I realized this might not have been a good idea. But should I lie? I added that it\u2019s obviously unrealistic.<\/p>

Back at the event<\/h4>

Even after returning to the main event, nothing worsened. On the contrary, they really went for it, became very touchy, and we kissed.<\/p>

When the three of us\u2014including my partner\u2014were together, I made my second mistake: I followed an inner impulse and hugged both. I imagine it was uncomfortable. My \u201clittle bear\u201d told me afterward. Did anything change? No. We continued intimately until my date had to go home due to overstimulation. Understandable, though disappointing. I walked them to the car.<\/p>

They paid for parking and asked me to get in briefly. I did (and would have driven off immediately). We kissed intensely, there was sexual tension. I reminded them about the parking meter. We kissed again, and I got out. I felt sad.<\/p>

The rejection<\/h4>

An hour later, I got a message that broke me for a moment (paraphrased):<\/p>

\u201cI realized polyamory doesn\u2019t emotionally suit me, even though the time together was nice and it has nothing to do with you. For my mental health, I need clarity and I realize I am more monogamous. Therefore, I don\u2019t want to date further but want to be honest before it goes deeper. I can imagine a friendly, respectful connection because you are important to me.\u201d<\/p>

I was stunned. Sitting in the car, I had to hold back tears. Thoughts rushed through my head, including how deep this had already gone. Even people around us were convinced something would develop.<\/p>

I asked: \u201cIf polyamory isn\u2019t for you, why did you put in so much effort?\u201d The answer was unsatisfactory. It concerned past relationships, bad experiences, and their general behavior on dates. I got the impression they were still looking for reasons to prevent further intimacy.<\/p>

I sent a few more messages, including about how much it hurts when someone puts in so much effort and then gets rejected, especially when it seemed clear where it could go.<\/p>

Reflection and consequences<\/h4>

Polyamory is not easy; I know this from both perspectives. I know pretty clearly what I want and don\u2019t want\u2014and even that is never set in stone. Much is situational.<\/p>

My little bear: a partner who is themselves polyamorous initially wasn\u2019t an option for me, especially if they already have multiple partners. But it developed this way. If I kiss someone as I did, it has meaning. And if someone puts in that much effort, the direction is clear for me.<\/p>

Not everyone thinks like I do. Luckily. But in this case, it was very clear. It hurt. It injured me. I believe they were sorry. For me, a friendship was immediately out of the question\u2014at least for some time.<\/p>

Love or infatuation is fragile. Every crack makes it harder for future partners to establish themselves. I know I won\u2019t let my walls fall quickly again. In the end: whatever you do, it feels wrong. Keep the walls up, people leave. Let your walls down once, it\u2019s still bad. Finding a balanced measure is not easy.<\/p>

Gerry<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Polyamorie und gesellschaftliche Zuschreibungen Als polyamor empfindender Mensch ist man oft mit Dingen konfrontiert wie: \u201eDu willst ja nur einen […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13976,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[166,160],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13578","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-patientia","category-virtutes"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13578","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13578"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13578\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14034,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13578\/revisions\/14034"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13976"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13578"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13578"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/g-wie-gerry.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13578"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}