I think I’ll start with an older story first. From first grade onward, I was severely bullied for eight years straight because I have a congenital genetic defect that weakens my immune system. As a result, I get sick much more often. Because of that, I had to repeat 5th and 6th grade. From the second time through 6th grade, at a grammar school, I then sought help from a psychologist. She helped me a lot and rebuilt my broken self-confidence. For 7th grade, I switched to a secondary school. I was in treatment with her for two years because I suffered from severe depression.
That time still runs deep in my behavior. I learned a lot from it—especially about my behavior toward others and toward “minorities.” Since then, I defend and help anyone who needs it. Unfortunately, I also developed severe trust issues. I now fully trust exactly three people. I also trust my parents, but I’ll get to that later.
This year, however, one blow followed another. I always had a place of retreat that gave me strength: our home and our animals. I don’t want to go into too much detail about everything that happened, since I’m already looking for a new psychologist. I’ll at least say this much: I experienced a very severe breach of trust with my parents due to very bad decisions made by my father.
Since March, I’ve been bottling up a lot, and by now I’ve reached the point where I’ve had several breakdowns. The last breakdown was a few weeks ago, and it showed me that I can’t go on like this—and I don’t want to anymore. These breakdowns were caused by a trauma.
Every time I hear someone yelling loudly—snapping, scolding, ranting—I feel nothing but fear, frustration, and anger. I’ve even become afraid to be around the person who caused this trauma. He was always there for me, no matter what happened, and that trust has been almost completely destroyed. Slowly, things are getting a bit better again, but because of his very severe depression, progress is really sluggish.
I’ve already talked about this with two very good friends, and one of them supports me as best he can. Right now, I really only see one solution: running away and living on my own. But that’s actually not a good solution for me—just escape. I don’t want to run away like I used to; I want to fight!
One positive point is that we’re moving in June/July, and hopefully he’ll calm down then and everything will get better again, like it used to be. But until that happens, I honestly don’t really know how to deal with all of this.
I think a lot about myself and the future. In the process, I also discovered my sexuality. I’m bi, and for almost two months now I’ve had a boyfriend who unfortunately lives near Hamburg. He gives me an incredible amount of strength, and I love him more for it every day. I came out to my mother two weeks ago. She didn’t take it very well at first, but by now she’s quite happy that I have him by my side.
With my father, it’s a completely different story. He’s largely homophobic. He does accept gay people, etc., but he doesn’t want them in his immediate surroundings. And another quote from him, which I learned through my mother: “My biggest fear is if my son were gay or something like that. Then I wouldn’t know how to deal with it or whether I could accept it.”
By now, I’ve made the decision to come out completely after the move, so that I no longer have to live behind a lie. My mother stands behind me, and I hope that my father will accept it sooner or later. He was sexually abused by a man as a child and hasn’t been able to deal with homosexuals since then. Unfortunately, his behavior used to rub off on me as well, which I’m ashamed of to this day. All my hope rests on the move and the future that follows. But if nothing improves after that, then I will most likely move out and possibly move in with my boyfriend. I want to live freely and openly. Never again behind a lie that I’ve been maintaining for two years now. You can really say that I’m very afraid of the consequences, because I don’t want to stand alone. I know that I’m not alone, but because of the bullying phase in my childhood, I have a great fear of being alone.
The positive thing about this time, however, is that I’ve developed a passion for helping others—no matter what. My only wish now is that the future gets better again and that I can be happy with my boyfriend. I just still need to find a way to get through all of this until then.
You can really say that this went in the direction of “venting.” I just want to thank you a lot already for reading through this. I can honestly say that your initiative is incredibly great and that I really support it! The first post—which coincidentally also came from Augsburg—moved me a lot, because I’m going through something very similar.
Thanks again, and I wish you a very nice evening!
Kind regards, Luca
when I received your email, my first thought was, “What the hell kind of novel is this?” I even wrote to you asking whether I should really publish this. It’s pretty heavy stuff you’ve written there. Then I considered splitting it into two blog posts. But I prefer to finish things properly. Paws shaken—here we go. I see a few parallels between the two of us. Especially the bullying topic—I read that part several times, even though it was relatively short. And throughout your entire text, I was glad you wrote that you’re already looking for a new psychologist. Otherwise, I would have recommended you find one.
Overall, as you yourself wrote, your text reads like venting. Still, I’d like to try to give you a few pieces of advice. First of all, I would somehow try to get your father into therapy as well. His aversion to homosexuals—especially gay men—is, to some extent, understandable to me. But I also think it doesn’t have to stay that way. Because not all gay men are like that. But you’re surely aware of that. I’d still try. In the end, it can only help him. The fact that you want to help everyone, especially minorities, does you credit. However, you should be very careful not to push your own problems into the background and/or make other people’s problems your own. That happens very often in cases like this.
It also raises the question of whether this is something you should make your task right now. As you yourself wrote, you find it difficult to trust. The question, however, is whether you trust yourself enough and whether you stand 100 percent behind your own advice or offers of help. Since you’re very reserved with your family, it’s difficult for me to give you solid advice here. In general, I’m a fan of openness here as well. Talking, trying to understand, and understanding itself are important. And if that no longer works, it’s always better to start going your own way—even if that means beginning to live your own life, with your own apartment and your own responsibility.
The move that’s coming up for you can, of course, also bring a breath of fresh air. Sometimes more openness and new perspectives. Try to use that, but don’t be too forceful. Calm is strength—or so I’ve heard. I know that letting go is difficult. But that’s exactly what I advise you to do with the “snapping/yelling issue.” Everyone has bad days. Even I sometimes sit here and snap around because something doesn’t suit me. Maybe you’re not even the target? It’s not good to take this personally, to have emotional outbursts, and possibly lose control.
And not everyone will be able to take this into account subconsciously. I hope you’re aware of that. You should definitely work through this with your next psychologist. Whether you may have been like your father in the past doesn’t matter today. You live in the now. Not in the past—except, of course, for the people who may have been harmed. Perhaps you can use your new way of thinking to apologize to them? A letter, an email, or whatever can help a lot. I think I’ve talked enough at this point. What the future brings depends on how you build it. Your Gerry Note: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.
1 shine on „Take my Help #5: Luca, 18 aus Augsburg – Wenn es kommt, dann richtig!“
Wow. Ich muss wirklich sagen, dass dein Beitrag doch etwas in mir bewegt hat. Mir fällt wirklich manchmal schwer mit der Familie über doch tiefgründige Themen zu reden, aber ich versuche wirklich, vor allem im neuen Jahr, genauso offen zu meiner Familie zu sein, wie ich zu meinen Freunden bin. Ich habe vor ein paar Tagen mit meinem Vater wegen den Wutausbrüchen geredet und es liegt scheinbar (mit Rücksprache von ein paar Ärtzen) mit an seinem Bandscheibenvorfall und an deinen Depressionen. Er ist auch schon seit 3 Jahren bei einer Psychologin und versucht sich zu bessern. Es tut ihm auch wahnsinnig leid.
Den Leuten, denen ich geschadet habe, habe ich schon mehrfach persönlich getroffen und mir mehr als nur entschuldigt. Mit einem verstehe ich mich auch wieder gut.
Ich werde mehr an mir arbeiten! Ich danke dir auf jeden Fall sehr dafür und das vor allem noch zu Weihnachten! Wirklich danke dir Gerry.
P.S. Sorry, dass ich so viel geschrieben habe, aber um die Zusammenhänge besser verstehen zu können hatte ich mehr geschrieben. <.<