I don't even know where to start. So many things are always swirling around in my head. But what I can start with is that I'm not always as happy as I seem. Of course. Who would have expected that? But lately, I've been feeling worse and worse. I'm just down and listless. Of course, I'm looking forward to a meeting I have next week. But my environment is just wearing me down more and more emotionally. Of course, I could move out. But I only want to do that once my new job is going well and I've made up for my mistake at the beginning of the year. I'm in therapy and even she says that if I lived alone or in a shared flat, I would feel a lot better. But that doesn't help me either.
Not just because friendships are difficult for me. I simply get scared, without being able to control it, when someone raises their voice or ‘snaps’ at me. I notice this particularly with my best mate from my neighbourhood and his partner. His partner is rude, but I always want everything to be fine. Of course I'm emotionally broken. I realise that. But I don't know what to do.
I also like to just swallow negative feelings. The main thing is that I seem to be doing well and I can make others laugh. Of course, I don't know if this helps you or if it's just me venting. But I wanted to share it with you at least. I'd also like to add: yes, I feel lonely, and yes, my dysphoria is getting worse, and yes, I'm afraid of doing something wrong. No matter what, but especially with friends. But somehow I have to get through it. Thank you for reading.
Hello R. You're right: at first glance, it seems like trivial ‘ranting’, but if you look closely, you can see it's a cry for help.
If you weren't already in therapy, I would definitely have advised you to start. But this advice isn't necessary, and I'm proud that you realised it yourself.
I hope that the visit you mentioned helped you move forward and went well. And that you were able to take something away from it for yourself. Let's move on to the most dangerous thing I see in the way you deal with yourself: bottling things up. I know this very well from my own experience. You simply swallow your anger, discomfort and the like. But at some point... Yes, at some point it becomes too much and you collapse. And that's the dangerous part. Because at that very moment, you are very often alone. So my advice to you will seem very simple, if not banal:
SPEAK UP! If something makes you feel uncomfortable or gives you a bad feeling, say so. Speak up. If you are angry, e.g. because of a person, then say so loudly (but don't shout). Just because you want everything to be fine doesn't mean it will be, stay that way or become that way.
‘But that's easier said than done...’ – STOP IT! It's easy. You're just afraid of the consequences. Especially when it comes to friends. But, and this is important, anyone who avoids you because of what you say is not a friend. If you're not feeling well and someone wants something from you, it's also advisable to say, ‘Hey, I'm not in a good mood right now. Can you get back to me tomorrow?’ or something like that. Except to your boss. You're always nice to your boss... At least when he's right. And rule no. 1 – the boss is (almost) always right. If not, there are lawyers. Now I've put the cart before the horse.
The fact that you are feeling worse and worse may actually be the consequence of the above. Because you are always bottling everything up inside. This inevitably leads to you placing less value on yourself, which in turn leads to poor self-esteem. And so on. It's a never-ending cycle. Here are a few practical tips: In the evening, look in the mirror. Tell yourself what you hate about yourself. If you have to, shout at yourself. Only yourself.
If you don't like someone, tell them so and avoid them.
If a friend makes you angry, put some distance between you. And when you've calmed down, talk to them. Writing works too. Not everyone is cut out for verbal communication.
In the morning, you should list how many people care about you. Name them. Also name the people who are good and important to you. And after a short time, you will realise that you are not alone. Even if it may sometimes feel that way. I think that's enough for the first puppy blog.
Have a nice day.
Note: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.
1 shine on „TMH-AR #1: R. Aus Augsburg – Runterschlucken!“
Hey, ich danke für diese Antwort und den guten Rat. Über Probleme reden fällt mir in der Tat sehr aber ich versuche nun mehr darüber zu reden wenn es mir nicht gut geht.
Mir fällt leider auch nicht ein was ich sonst sagen soll außer danke mit einem dicken Herz. Fühl dich geknuddelt du toller 😛