Polyamory and societal assumptions
As a polyamorous person, you are often confronted with things like: “You just want a harem,” “You’ll never get enough,” and so on. Or with people confusing polyamory and polygamy. By now, I mostly don’t care. It’s society that doesn’t accept polyamory. And who cares? Not me.
But nothing felt worse than the following story, which happened last year and gave my circulatory system quite a jolt. As mentioned in the introductory post, Lux posts aren’t always positive, and Obscuritas posts aren’t always negative.
The encounter
At a fetish event, I met someone I found extremely attractive. I only really realized this after the party. As usual, that’s how it goes. There were signs that the person was flirting with me. Since I’m not good at flirting, I often recognize this only hours later—or at least question it afterward.
This person was different from any man I’d met before. To protect privacy, I won’t go into detail. I’ll leave it at that.
Starting contact
The next day, after analyzing everything, I got their contact information and we started writing. Soon, I realized this person could become someone special for me. They were extremely charming, very attractive, and versatile. I wondered: “How the hell could such a beautiful person like me?”
We quickly agreed that we had to meet again. Opportunities were scarce, but we found a place and an “event” where this was possible.
Open communication from the start
I made it clear from the beginning who and what I am. Even if the interest might immediately vanish, I usually lay all “issues” on the table right away. I am polyamorous, neurodivergent (and dealing with its consequences), and so on. Later, it shouldn’t be said that I hid things. I’m not up for that.
They said they didn’t know if polyamory would work for them. That was okay—somehow.
The emotional rollercoaster
Still, we both got very invested in the contact and could hardly wait to meet. Polyamory came up repeatedly, also to make sure. My head was already working on solutions for other… “problems,” prematurely, as always.
And then Roswitha, the monster in my head, appeared: “They’re too good for you,” “You don’t really think THIS will work lol,” and so on. But this time I didn’t let her affect me. Even though, in hindsight, maybe I should have.
The meeting
The day arrived. In retrospect, I also acted somewhat recklessly at certain points, but primarily other things went wrong.
The greeting was very warm, from both sides. We hugged, and it lasted a while. With other people, I would have already been in escape mode. It lasted this way almost all day.
They stayed close to me most of the time. During one part of the event, we even held hands. They were very clingy, resting their face on my neck, occasionally nibbling. And… it surprised me… I felt things that hadn’t been present for a long time.
I want to note that within a polycule, “love” always feels different for me. What I feel or develop with one person doesn’t automatically apply to others. It’s always different. And that works for me.
The café
My head was essentially off during these fairly intimate moments—empty, in a positive sense. That was great. We eventually withdrew to a café and got to know each other better, sharing desires and so on.
There was my first “faux pas,” when I mentioned that I might eventually want to live with my partners. In hindsight, I realized this might not have been a good idea. But should I lie? I added that it’s obviously unrealistic.
Back at the event
Even after returning to the main event, nothing worsened. On the contrary, they really went for it, became very touchy, and we kissed.
When the three of us—including my partner—were together, I made my second mistake: I followed an inner impulse and hugged both. I imagine it was uncomfortable. My “little bear” told me afterward. Did anything change? No. We continued intimately until my date had to go home due to overstimulation. Understandable, though disappointing. I walked them to the car.
They paid for parking and asked me to get in briefly. I did (and would have driven off immediately). We kissed intensely, there was sexual tension. I reminded them about the parking meter. We kissed again, and I got out. I felt sad.
The rejection
An hour later, I got a message that broke me for a moment (paraphrased):
“I realized polyamory doesn’t emotionally suit me, even though the time together was nice and it has nothing to do with you. For my mental health, I need clarity and I realize I am more monogamous. Therefore, I don’t want to date further but want to be honest before it goes deeper. I can imagine a friendly, respectful connection because you are important to me.”
I was stunned. Sitting in the car, I had to hold back tears. Thoughts rushed through my head, including how deep this had already gone. Even people around us were convinced something would develop.
I asked: “If polyamory isn’t for you, why did you put in so much effort?” The answer was unsatisfactory. It concerned past relationships, bad experiences, and their general behavior on dates. I got the impression they were still looking for reasons to prevent further intimacy.
I sent a few more messages, including about how much it hurts when someone puts in so much effort and then gets rejected, especially when it seemed clear where it could go.
Reflection and consequences
Polyamory is not easy; I know this from both perspectives. I know pretty clearly what I want and don’t want—and even that is never set in stone. Much is situational.
My little bear: a partner who is themselves polyamorous initially wasn’t an option for me, especially if they already have multiple partners. But it developed this way. If I kiss someone as I did, it has meaning. And if someone puts in that much effort, the direction is clear for me.
Not everyone thinks like I do. Luckily. But in this case, it was very clear. It hurt. It injured me. I believe they were sorry. For me, a friendship was immediately out of the question—at least for some time.
Love or infatuation is fragile. Every crack makes it harder for future partners to establish themselves. I know I won’t let my walls fall quickly again. In the end: whatever you do, it feels wrong. Keep the walls up, people leave. Let your walls down once, it’s still bad. Finding a balanced measure is not easy.
Gerry