Luxuria #1 – Hate**** – Releasing Anger Through Sex (or Just Others’ Misperception?)

My sexuality – rough, but not random

People who know me better have a rough idea of how I work sexually. Over the past few years, I’ve realized that while I get the most out of plain, vanilla sex (no elaborate physical aids), I also tend to get rough at times.
The important part: it’s not person-dependent. It doesn’t matter whether I feel something like love for the other person or a different kind of affection. That’s just how it is.

The situation: fetish party and darkroom

A few months ago, there was a small adventure at a fetish party. I was in a good mood and even somewhat aroused—which is rather rare for me at such parties. At some point, one thing led to another and we disappeared into the infamous darkrooms.
Some touching here, some groping there, and eventually the third person knelt down and started giving blowjobs. I mean, he was really good. But then the Dom in me comes through, and the throat gets worked hard.

I do try to pay attention to the other person’s reactions and to stop in time—or stop entirely—if there are strong negative reactions (negative for me). That wasn’t directly the case here.
It went on for a while, then it was over.
Afterwards we talked normally, and like every party, this one ended too. Everyone went home and on with their lives.

The break: a retrospective accusation

The next morning, I got a message asking whether that had been a hate**** and saying it wasn’t okay. For context: some time before, that person hadn’t been nice to my partner, and I had expressed my displeasure very clearly. I didn’t really think about that that evening.

I was honestly shocked at first. And I seriously started questioning whether it had been one or not. But I was—and still am—certain that it wasn’t.

Communication, consent, and responsibility

I tried to respond as calmly as possible and told him that I see it differently, and that I’m generally that “rough” during blowjobs if I’m allowed to be. I also tried to make something clear to him—something that men under 30, in particular, seem to need to learn: say immediately if you don’t like something or if it doesn’t feel good. Not after the fact, when the damage is done.
Especially with more “spontaneous” encounters, you can’t clarify everything in advance. And for me, it’s far more of a mood killer to read something like that afterward than to hear during the act: “Hey, I don’t like that. Can we do it differently?”
On the contrary: that shows me the other person is present and that both of us want it to be good for both sides.

Power imbalance does not mean irresponsibility

This reminds me of a written exchange I had a few weeks later. A young pup was of the opinion that everything the Master/Alpha wants must be done—regardless of how the pup feels. No. Definitely not.
As an acquaintance put it recently: it’s the slave’s job to educate the master in a way that the slave is doing well. And—as I’ve said many times elsewhere—it’s the master’s job to ensure the slave feels comfortable. Whether in BDSM play or in power dynamics like Alpha/Omega/Owner, etc.

Conclusion: no anger, no outlet

As a final note: I don’t hook up with anyone I truly can’t stand. And certainly not with someone I’m angry at. That’s not my style, and it wouldn’t be fun for me.