Anyone who knows me a bit better will hardly be surprised by my choice of topic. It’s something I never get tired of talking about: consent. In other words, everyone involved agrees to what is happening.
I think we all know the exhausting issue that gear or revealing clothing does not equal consent to anything.
My first serious experience related to this, which has stuck with me, happened many years ago at a CSD. My outfit was, admittedly, quite revealing. As I was walking through the city after the parade to get to the stage, a significantly older man approached me and first asked politely whether he could take a photo of me. After he took the picture and showed it to me on his camera, he took the opportunity to simply grab my crotch and make a lewd comment.
What I find particularly sad about this: he had the decency to ask whether he could take a photo. But either he saw my consent to the photo as a free pass, or he simply thought it wasn’t necessary to ask whether he could grab my crotch.
Unfortunately, I was still quite young back then and had internalized the kind of bullshit women are far too often confronted with after sexual assault. So I said nothing and let it happen. After all, it was my own fault for walking around like that.
Today, I could slap myself for that thought alone, and the situation would play out very differently now.
My point is this: nothing gives another person the right to assume your consent to anything.
But does it only start when someone is sexually groped? Or shouldn’t it actually start much earlier?
For example, I believe that even on PlanetRomeo or similar platforms, you should ask before sending explicit pictures whether the other person actually wants them at that moment. Some people might roll their eyes at this and accuse me internally of being prudish. That’s not the point. I’m not generally opposed to receiving such pictures. But there are simply situations in which I don’t want to open explicit images.
For instance, when I’m bored sitting on a train or tram and have the app open. There are other people around, and even if I try to angle my phone so the person next to me can’t see anything, in the worst case it reflects in the window.
And does it really hurt to ask briefly beforehand? Is the pressure so overwhelming that you can’t wait a short moment for an answer?
I’ve discussed this with many different people. What hurt me the most was that I once heard from my own partner: “Don’t make such a fuss. That’s just part of those platforms.”
And in a way, he’s right. It is part of it. But should it be? I think: no.
However, these conversations also showed me that the point at which explicit consent becomes necessary is not automatically the same for everyone.
By the way, consent does not last forever once it has been given. Just because I agreed the day before yesterday that someone may send me pictures doesn’t mean I automatically agree again right now.
Consent can also be withdrawn. If someone agreed an hour ago to have sex with me and then changes their mind in the meantime – for whatever reason – I have no right to claim that there was consent an hour ago. Just as little am I required to explain why I don’t want something. That’s another thing that keeps coming up on Romeo and similar platforms. You politely decline and the first response is: “Why? What doesn’t fit?”
And because Gerry’s last post already touched on this topic:
If someone is intoxicated – whether by alcohol or other substances – any consent given by that person is null and void. It doesn’t matter whether it was given in that moment or hours, days, or even months earlier.
I don’t even know whether or what I want to add, because I completely agree with the text. Except for this small info box:
2 shines on „A&R – 6: Automatischer Consent? NIEMALS! (Archie)“
Armes Archie. 🙁
Ja das mit dem Schritt fassen kenn ich. Ich laufe bei CSD gerne außen da mehr Platz. Jedoch wird man gerne von den Zuschauern rausgezogen, festgehalten oder an den Schritt gefasst.
Wird man dann sauer oder lehnt man es ab wird man gefragt warum man dann mitlauft.
Und mit Alkohol bin ich auch deiner Meinung das ab diesem Punkt der Alpha keine Rechte mehr hat wenn er sowas zulässt wie in Gerrys Beitrag
Lieber Archie,
Ich unterschreibe deinen Text voll und ganz.
Zu „Und tut es wirklich weh, vorher mal kurz nachzufragen? Ist der eigene Druck so groß, dass man die kurze Zeit bis zu ner Antwort nicht abwarten kann?“ würde ich sagen, dass viele die Spannung darauf, wie das Gegenüber reagiert geil finden und genau das genießen. vorher darüber zu sprechen, auch wenn du ja gesagt hättest, hätte die Spannung zuninchte gemacht und der Kerl hätte es wohl trotz erlaubnis nichtmehr mit so einer erregung gemacht wie ohne das Fragen.
Auch das zusprechen von „du willst es doch auch“ oder ähnliches kommt ja noch hinzu. Das Leute meinen, dass ihr gegenüber ja genauso auf diese Spannung und dann noch mit ihm zu stehen hat.
Leider ist Consent etwas, das wie Awareness und Respekt zu wenig vorhanden ist bei Menschen innerhalb unserer Community.
LG Suri