When I started pup play in April 2021 after a long period of consideration, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it with others. But in Cologne, Düsseldorf, Duisburg, Essen, and Berlin, I initially seemed to be welcomed with open arms. Yet just a year later, that turned out to be a farce.
Being autistic in Germany is already difficult, and the same goes for depression and anxiety disorders. The relative anonymity of the “hood” unfortunately often encourages people to throw all sense of decency aside. Soon, they began spreading rumors and lies. Apparently, they were just looking for the next victim to tear down. And, as expected, their lies were believed. Almost no one cared about how I felt. It was only about insulting and despising me. Supposed friends turned their backs on me and even joined in with the lies and insults, reinforcing numerous prejudices—like the idea that autistic people have no feelings.
The hood not only makes it easy to give yourself a sense of anonymity. It also makes it easy to dehumanize others. To the harassers, I was no longer a person, just “the autistic one,” “the disturbed one,” “the mentally ill one,” “the antisocial one.” Only a few questioned the lies about me and took the time to get to know me. Almost everyone who defended me against the sensational lies told me that the lies weren’t true and that they had convinced themselves of it.
That’s exactly the problem: it’s easy to spread rumors and lies about someone you don’t know and don’t want to know. And by spreading lies, you effectively prevent others from getting to know that person. Apparently, the liars know exactly what they are doing. Their attempts to stop others from questioning these lies reveal their fear and weakness.
Not only through the hostility directed at me, but also through numerous other incidents, I’ve come to see that the supposed German puppy community is actually composed of so many deeply divided individuals that calling it “one” community is misleading. It saddens me greatly how many people are sacrificed for the ego of a few. In the end, there are only losers. That’s why I’ve started looking for other spaces where acceptance is actually practiced, such as in the Netherlands or Norway. Especially, the exchange between people from different regions in these countries is more intensive. That’s why I now prefer attending fewer events, but I focus on having higher-quality experiences.
The promise of an open, accepting German puppy community has, for me, proven to be at best a mere façade, and at worst a big lie and a Ponzi scheme. Have too many people in the hood lost their humanity? I don’t have an answer for that. But I do see that since last year, more and more people are expressing dissatisfaction with the conditions and, in some cases, even considering quitting pup play altogether.
I also wonder if I should have just stayed true to myself from the beginning, which would have spared me a lot of trouble. But the fact that an increasing number of people are no longer silently accepting this situation gives me hope that the collective promise we continually make to newcomers in pup play can still be fulfilled.
Without the lies, hatred, and frustration, life would be easier for all of us. Even the bullies will eventually have to realize that it’s better for themselves to leave others alone rather than making life difficult for them. I believe that those who make life hard for others also make their own lives harder. And as contradictory as it may sound, for all of us to be the puppies we want to be, we need more humanity for each other. And it’s never too early for humanity.
Here’s a link to Piano’s Instagram. (Meta’s terms and data policy apply)
Thank you for this first wonderful and very well-summarized story. I’ve been part of the community for several years now, and for reasons mentioned above, I too gradually withdrew quite a bit over time. Often, the first impression is that everyone is welcome.
But very quickly, especially if you don’t function like others, you realize that you’re not really that welcome after all.
I also have my own experiences in this regard, which I will share as part of this project, and I find it difficult to understand this issue of exclusion and dehumanization.
Sure: we can’t and shouldn’t love everyone. We don’t all have to end up in bed together or become friends. We don’t have to like everyone. But respect for all should be possible. It doesn’t hurt us to talk to someone, or to get to know a person better before judging them.
Only those who themselves are unjustifiably disrespectful have no right to expect respect. Yet it is precisely these people who expect far too much, while newcomers, who are different, have no chance of being treated respectfully.
When will we learn to approach new acquaintances neutrally? When will we stop pigeonholing autism? I want to quote a friend here:
“If you know one autistic person, you know ONE autistic person.”
Not every autistic person is the same. Not everyone has the same limitations. But one thing all autistic people deserve: respect! Just like every other member of our community and society.
Gerry
P.S.: And anyone who expects respect should also be able to give it.
