I’ve always had problems maintaining friendships. I’m probably just too much of an oddball.
At some point, people always suddenly start ignoring me, or supposedly no longer have time. For about two years now, I’ve had a small clique of very dear people locally. I thought I could rely on them. After a car accident in September, I first had psychological issues and then, because of work, ended up stuck at my parents’ place without a car. I could only borrow my dad’s car twice a week to get to school. During that time, not a single one of my friends seriously offered, “Come on, I’ll pick you up” or “I’ll come visit you.”
Public transport would have been an option too, but coordinating it with appointments was hard to manage.
On top of that, one “local” buddy first disappeared completely, then reappeared, and now ignores me on all communication channels. Did I do something wrong? What is it about me that makes people disappear sooner or later?
My fiancé claims it has to do with my being different, as well as my dyscalculia and the consequences that come with it. But I can’t and don’t want to believe that. Or am I just clinging to an idealized, old-fashioned notion of friendship that no longer really exists today?
Hello my dear F.,
first of all, I want all readers to know that I already know you personally, and I want to let that fact flow into this, because it helps me analyze the situation better. Over the years that I’ve known you, I’ve already noticed that you’re not exactly an easy person. But at this point, I don’t think it has anything to do with your dyscalculia. And if it does for some people, then they’re idiots you shouldn’t mourn. It could very well be due to your “differentness,” though—and honestly, I don’t really see a problem with that either. However, there actually are traits you have that I would classify as quite difficult. You often don’t think about what you say or post. I’ll remind you, for example, of that one Facebook post where I first had to spell out for you how many levels on which it gave the wrong impression. For the readers: dear F. dyed his beard. While the dye was still on, he took a photo of it and shared it on Facebook. It was immediately clear to me what he was doing. Unfortunately, to some others it wasn’t clear at all. Back to you, F. You’ve noticed yourself that people sometimes feel offended very quickly, without questioning things. From my own experience, I know that you do demand quite a lot of attention. I’m the kind of person who simply doesn’t reply—or not immediately—when I don’t feel like it. But not everyone is like that. I don’t know how it is with your more local friends. But if you also throw random things out there without context, it’s entirely possible that people just lose interest. Yes, all of this sounds harsh. But over the years, I’ve gotten the impression that you always view “friendship” solely from your own perspective. I think it’s wrong to reproach people for not spontaneously saying, “Hey, I’ll pick you up.” Especially with your (in my opinion far too overfilled) schedule, it’s hard to just assume that. And if they know you as well as I do, I can understand why they don’t do it. You never have time anyway. There are a few things where I think you need to work on yourself a bit and, above all, broaden your horizon.Do you remember before your first visit with me, when I said, “Honestly, from day X onward it doesn’t really suit me”? That’s when I already noticed that you have difficulties with cancellations and rejection. But that’s also part of friendships. Things often just don’t work out. Or it simply doesn’t fit into the other person’s plans right now to chauffeur you around or to be there at a moment’s notice. Your friends aren’t responsible for your car breaking down. You might not be either. But it’s still not their responsibility to compensate for it. As sorry as I am to say that. You also need to become calmer and more thoughtful in how you communicate with others. You’re a very excitable person. That’s great. But it also means that after a while you can become a bit exhausting. Not everyone can handle that (as with the things mentioned above). That leads to people around you becoming quiet—or even, more or less, saying goodbye.
Sometimes all it takes is one sentence. One word. Or even just one picture. One more word about your “local buddy.” It sounds shitty, but… sometimes that’s just how it is. Sometimes you ride the same wave for ages, and suddenly it’s gone because life changes. Priorities change. Hobbies change. Sometimes you only develop an aversion to a person after years. Or here again: sometimes all it takes is one sentence. One word. Or even just one picture.
That’s life, dear F. People enter our lives. People leave them. You’re an incredibly kind guy. But you also have to learn that not all friendships last forever. Only the very special ones often last a lifetime. And finding those often takes many years. Be patient. Let people go if they want to leave. And become calmer. You have people to whom you matter. Focus on them. I think that says everything. I wish you all a wonderful time. Gerry Note: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.