Hi,
First of all, a big compliment to those who have already written something for your blog. I hope your advice helps those affected.
My problem might be a bit different. The thing is, I am demonstrably a sociopath and an empathy-less person. My therapist first had to explain to me what those words even mean. Short and simple, both mean this:
I am neither able to perceive nor understand other people’s feelings, nor can I really show any myself. In addition, other people’s feelings usually don’t interest me in the first place, which often ends with me being very blunt.
And that brings us straight to the problem: I hurt people very quickly. Without even wanting to. Friendships have broken apart very fast because of this as well. Only two people—my closest friends—know what I “am” and know how to deal with me, and that I don’t mean many things seriously.Best example: when someone is grieving because they’ve lost a loved one, I make jokes about it with the aim of making the person laugh. And yes, I still do that. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to react. When someone is angry or something like that, it’s almost the same. I would just like to know what I need to do so that I don’t lose even more friends and people who are close to me. I don’t want to use it as an excuse, saying I’m just an empathy-less sociopath.
As my best friend once said: it makes clear thinking in certain situations easier. But what good is that if you end up looking like an asshole?Signed,
R.
P.S.: Keep it up, Gerry
But now let’s focus entirely on you.
I also think it’s good that you are already in treatment. I am neither a trained psychologist nor a psychotherapist. And I think that knowing exactly what you are will generally make it easier to understand things. I have encountered someone like you before. More precisely, a long, long time ago I was in a relationship with someone like that. Unfortunately, back then it wasn’t known what he had, and I was too young to understand it. I could only make sense of the circumstances.
And as simple as it sounds, in my opinion the solution to your question is just as banal as in my first puppy blog: talk.
Why should it be an excuse? You are what you are. And what you are is not a bad joke or an excuse. That is simply who you are. You may not be able to comprehend or empathize with other people’s feelings, but… let me start with your example of grief: A close person of a friend has died. It is understandable even to you that they are grieving. You try—sometimes with unqualified comments—to coax a smile out of him or her and, of course, step from one faux pas straight into the next. You may not be aware of this at that moment, and your friend may not be either, but the intention behind these faux pas is actually positive. This brings us to two examples. In one, you follow my advice; in the other, you don’t: Example 1: You did not explain yourself to the person once the friendship reached a deeper level. Naturally, at this point the person does not feel taken seriously. They say you are an asshole because you are not considerate of their feelings. You then feel strange or even bad because you cannot empathize with their reaction. In the worst case, this repeats itself over and over and ends in a dilemma: one friend less. Example 2: The person knows about you. Here, too, the person does not feel taken seriously in their grief. But—and this should urgently be clear to you—that lies in the essence of the situation: a grieving person has no capacity in that moment for jokes, humor, or stupid remarks. And maybe they will also call you an asshole. BUT—and this is where openness comes into play—after some time has passed, the person will reflect and realize that you cannot act differently. They will come to you, maybe lean against you, and say that it’s nice that you exist and that they know you didn’t mean it that way. At first, both examples may look identical. But the outcome is different. At this point, you have to ask yourself: do I see my “problem” as an excuse, or as a part of me and deal with it openly? I can’t give you the answer to that, of course. Because it lies within you. And what lies within you can only be understood by you yourself. You are what you are. You recognize true friends by the fact that they acknowledge who you are, how you are, and why you are the way you are. Let’s sum it up: when you begin to trust someone, be open with that person. Tell them what’s going on. And if they say, “Sorry, I can’t deal with that,” then at least they were honest with you. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Don’t pretend.
And as a small tip: when someone is grieving, it’s better to say nothing if it feels uncomfortable for you, and simply take that person in your arms. And if a stupid sentence does slip past your lips, then so be it. If the person knows about you, they may be angry for a moment, but they will understand that you cannot act differently. That was a lot of writing. I wish you—and of course the readers as well—all the best. Take care of yourselves. Gerry Note: I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing physical or psychological symptoms.
